Just mADE A PArabola og urine
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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