Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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