either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
