It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
