The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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