I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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