seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
