I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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