I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
