I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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