So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
