so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
