mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There's even glitter on my cock...
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