So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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