I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
