probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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