call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We had to coat check the pizza.
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
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so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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