thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
