Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
