I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
