She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
