And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize