Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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