it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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