help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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