Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
