just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
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It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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