does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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