We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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