My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
