He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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