I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
