Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
