In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
