are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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