i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
