Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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