Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
