the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
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he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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