i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
