I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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