im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize