I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
