I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
