I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's blow job season.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
