Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
