Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
