so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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