you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex