Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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