you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
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