Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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