alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
