She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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