I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
