how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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