Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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