Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
