Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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